I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
