dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize