did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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