Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
