guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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