I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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