I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
