Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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