oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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