I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
