god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize