she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
