i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
