Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You're like the curious george of whores
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Randomize
