Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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