In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
