If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
