I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
