Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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