There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Can you bring me the toilet please
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
