I swear she didn't look like that last week.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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