I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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