her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
