she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
