It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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