Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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