either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
