I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
