Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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