we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
