Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
True strength comes from lack of pants
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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