last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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