Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
We left the knife in your bed.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
