I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me š
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Someone just said āI need to use up this money before Iām tits up under the dirtā so I think Iām going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Some sorority went āDick or Treatingā at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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