so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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