You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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