I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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