Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
