she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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