I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
