I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
