I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
