I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
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