I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
