Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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