The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
