He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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