She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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