when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
