I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
