so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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