I got her a Nickelback box set.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
