either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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