Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
