arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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