Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize