i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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