Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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