Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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