where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
