Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Sext me about skeletons
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize