plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
