I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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