There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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