it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
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