So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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