I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
