i'm signing you up for texting rehab
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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