i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
