tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
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