Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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