this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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