I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize